Why I Am Marrying a Man Who Is NOT My "Soulmate" (and Why You Should, Too)

"There's no such thing as a 'soul mate'."

If you have been told, either directly by someone you respect, or indirectly through cultural exposure, that there is only ONE person out there for you, then you are the person I'm talking to. A lot of people -- I mean, a  LOT of people -- find such a claim to be so atrocious and absurd that it feels like a personal attack on every romantic belief they hold dear. It's completely unromantic and cynical! And I can absolutely understand why.

But I say, on the contrary. It's just another way of looking at things, another way to prepare yourself for the future that is actually more liberating, and honestly, is a genuinely Biblical approach to marriage.

So let me be clear right from the start. When I say there is no such thing as "Soul mates", or "The One", I'm saying that the definition is what's wrong, not necessarily the label. Now, to be fair, I'm no scholar by any means; but to my knowledge, there is absolutely nothing in the Bible that says or alludes to there only being one potential mate out there for everyone, and that they are a missing piece to our soul that completes us (it definitely doesn't say that). This definition is a myth based solely off of human "ideals and feels", as I like to call them, developed from centuries of Shakespeare and other literary romances and a staggering absence of God. Seriously, look it up! The "Soul mate" theory is ancient, and talks about needing one specific other soul to become "whole". I know this to be true of my relationship with Jesus Christ alone, and I know without a doubt that no person, romantic or non, could ever even compete with that. 

"Soul mate" theories were once a way for lost people to explain a human's natural yearning for love, eventually leading to a time when the theories were taken literally. In more modern times, popularizing the "Soul mate" ideal has become a form of propaganda used to promote books and movies and music, etc. It's a selling technique that we have completely bought into as a culture, but it's not of the Lord when you really explore what it means. Don't fall into this trap yourself -- in fact, know that taking the "Soul mate" theory literally could actually keep you from finding a mate! But more on that later.

So let me break it down. We'll discuss 1.) What a "Soul mate" actually is, 2.) What Scripture actually calls us to, 3.) Why it's unhealthy to strictly believe in a "Soul mate".

1.) As defined by Merriam-Webster, a "soul mate" is "a person who is perfectly suited for another in temperament; a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or belief". Want to know the history? Guess what? It's not from the Bible, but from Plato/Aristophanes. Check this out:

"Though the phrase soul mate gained steam toward the end of the twentieth century, the idea goes all the way back to Plato’s Symposium, written in 385–380 BCE. In Symposium, when the two dialogists discuss love, Aristophanes tells Socrates that human beings used to have four arms, four legs, and two faces, and they were happy and complete. But Zeus was jealous and split them in two with his thunderbolt, and now humans spend their lives searching for their other half. This idea of an 'other half' has been with us ever since. But the phrase soul mate itself was first recorded in 1822, when the poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote in a letter, 'To be happy in Married Life . . . you must have a Soul-mate.' Inexplicably, the term has skyrocketed in use since the 1980s, according to Google’s nGram viewer."

WHAT?! You mean I got sucker-punched by the world?! Yep. Pretty much. And I hate to be the burster of more bubbles, but "The One" is just another term for "Soul mate", and it's possible that it, too, originated from this "Other Half" tale that is swept right out of Greek mythology rather than the Word of God. But take a look at this explanation about the right and wrong way to view "The One" from blogger Kelly Needham. I think it's very well-said: 

"Let’s talk about what I mean when I say 'The One.' There is a right way and a wrong way to view this. As Christians, we know that Psalm 139 says 'all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.' Because God is aware of what will happen throughout the course of our life, he obviously knows who we will marry if we get married. This is 100% Biblical and a correct way to think. If this is how you see 'the one,' then this article is not for you. But there is another, more common way that “the one” is viewed that is not Biblical. It defines the one as the singular other human on the planet who can complete you, satisfy all your longings, and the only one with whom you can have a successful marriage. We see this concept in movies like Jerry Maguire (the famous 'You complete me' line), and Twilight ('You’re my only reason to stay alive.'). This concept of 'the one' is what I am dealing with.... The idea of hoping in one person to complete and satisfy you might not seem that bad on the surface, but underneath it results in numerous problems in marriage and singleness."

Still not convinced? 

Let's say we are idiots for a moment and consult sheer reason over God's Word for just a second. This is what "Soul mate" living would look like if just ONE thing went wrong, according to Jason Dulle: 

"If God has destined one particular mate for every person throughout time, what would happen if just one person wasn't 'listening to God's voice' and chose the wrong mate? It would have a domino effect that would prohibit anyone in future generations from being able to marry their soulmate. Let me illustrate. David's soulmate is Mary. David, however, marries Jane because [h]e failed to hear the voice of God telling [h]im to wait until Mary comes along. What does Mary do, then? She has to marry someone other than her soulmate. She marries Glenn. But Glenn was soulmate to Brenda. Now that Brenda's soulmate has married someone else, she is forced to marry Roger. Roger's soulmate, Linda, is forced to marry someone else's soulmate. The circle widens ad infinitum until i[t] encompasses every living person within several generations."

Which leads us to, 2.) As previously stated, there is no Scripture containing evidence of the existence of a "Soul mate" for every human being. Therefore, the only real thing to do is to examine what the Bible does say about obtaining a spouse. While there is a buttload of Scripture discussing marriage, 1 Corinthians has become my first go-to place so many times when answering these kinds of questions. Conveniently for me, Jason Dulle hit the nail on the head in the article aforementioned above, and so I'll let him tell you in his eloquent words what I agree with him 100% on:

"As unspiritual as this may sound[,] Paul never suggested that we should pray about who God wants us to marry, nor that God is in the soulmate matchmaking business. Ironically, the question Paul asked was not 'Who should you marry?,' but 'Should you marry at all?' If I could sum up Paul's argument in common vernacular he said, 'Here's the deal. If you are single you can better serve the Lord, but you will have to live with the sexual frustration that accompanies the celibate life. If you are married you will be sexually fulfilled, but your spouse will be a distraction from serving the Lord. Oh yeah, if you choose to marry you cannot divorce. It's until death do you part. There's the pros and cons, now make your choice.' He even gave his own opinion on the matter. His wise advice was based on spiritual expediency (vss. 20-21, 28, 29-31, 32, 40, exemplified and summarized in vs. 35). Paul never appealed to prayer, nor did he tell the Corinthians to let the Lord make their decision for them. He never hinted at the notion of soulmates, nor did he teach that God will confirm for us who we are supposed to marry. Why? It's because the concepts of soulmates and divine confirmations are mere inventions of Western romanticism mixed with spiritual aspirations, not Biblical teaching.
The following is a list of the Biblical principles set forth by Paul concerning our choice to marry, and by implication our choice concerning who to marry:

1. Do what is good and profitable (1, 8, 26)
2. Do what is better (9, 38)
3. Do that which leads to peace (15)
4. Do what helps you best keep God's commandments (19)
5. Do what causes the least trouble (28)
6. Do what makes the best use of time (29)
7. Do what makes you most free of external concerns (33)
8. Do what is beneficial (35)
9. Do that which is fitting (35)
10. Do that which leads to undistracted devotion to Christ (35)
11. Do what is necessary (36)
12. Do what promotes personal happiness (40)-291

Pay particular notice to the following verses:

1 Corinthians 7:25-"concerning virgins…we have received no command of the Lord"
1 Corinthians 7:28-"if you marry you have not sinned"
1 Corinthians 7:36 "let him do what he wishes"
1 Corinthians 7:39 "she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes"

These verses make it clear that the choice to marry, and the choice of who to marry are personal choices, not something God has predetermined. We are not obliged to marry at all, yet alone marry a particular individual. As Paul declared, we can marry whom we wish, so long as they are in the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:39). That is his only qualifier. So not only do we fail to find the idea of soulmates in this passage, but the perceived method of finding our mate (receiving signs from God) is necessarily nullified. Contrary to popular belief[,] Scripture does not teach that there is one person out there created especially for us as our soulmate, nor that God lets us know who we are to marry by giving us certain feelings or signs. From the Biblical data we must conclude that while God cares about what type of person we marry, He does not have a specific will on who it is that we marry. As long as the individual falls within the sphere of certain guidelines He has set forth in His Word concerning mate selection, the choice on who to marry is up to us."

I couldn't have said it better myself! :D Another person who had some insightful yet similar words to say about this matter is Gary Thomas. He says:

"[In 1 Corinthians 7] Paul is explicitly and directly saying that the choice whether to get married and who to marry is up to us. This isn’t to say there aren’t good and bad choices, just to say there isn’t one right choice. Proverbs 31 urges men not to put too much emphasis on beauty and charm or too little emphasis on a woman’s faith and character, for instance. It never says 'Find your missing half.' It never says, 'Search for your destined partner.' Quite literally it says, 'Go for the godly ones! Find a woman who loves the Lord and you’ll choose well.' The lazy and overly mystical might resent this teaching. They might say, 'That’s not fair, God! Just tell me who to marry and I’ll marry them.' But that takes the responsibility off of you. Marriage is a breath-taking commitment. I am agreeing to stay loyal and true and supportive and loving of my wife for the rest of my life. I am agreeing to never have sex or emotionally laden conversations with any other woman. I am agreeing that I will not abandon her if she gets cancer or Alzheimer’s or can’t have babies or becomes paralyzed. God doesn’t force anyone into that kind of commitment; that’s not his way. That’s not love, and marriage is defined by love, not coercion. God doesn't demand that anyone get married, but once we do get married, the commands come in full force and astonishing power: 'Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church.' Which means (as is often said) I can abandon my wife when Christ abandons His church."

I can certainly recognize that these explanations probably cover a lot of very new ground for some people, and definitely require a lot of thought. It took me several years to swallow this stuff myself. But something else that you should think about as you chew on the rest is, 3.) Why it's actually a very bad idea to continue perpetuating the "Soul mate" idea in your heart of hearts. I encourage you to really stop and think about a few things as we approach this topic... First, what exactly do you gain from a "Soul mate"? What is so appealing about this ideal? Why have you clung on to it thus far? Is it just because that's what you were always taught? Or is it something more?

For me, it was that I wanted to get married SO BADLY that my heart quite literally ached for "Mr. Right". I thought that God had to have someone out there just for me, or else I'd never find someone to truly and utterly love me. I'm not exactly that girl on the street that's going to turn all the boys' heads, and even when people get to know me, I'm not everyone's cup of tea. So I privately felt that my only hope was "hey, it's all good!! God has 'The One' for me out there somewhere, and when we find one another, everything will be perfect!". I'm sure a lot of other people can relate -- it's a common dream! Everyone wants to love and be loved, right?

I believe God has placed this desire in our hearts with purpose and meaning, but we have a tendency in our sin to disorient it. We get caught up alongside the world in this notion that true love is the end-all be-all of life, and that if you marry someone who isn't your true love, OMGWHATHAVEYOUDONE?!??!?! You will never have happiness.

But clearly, there is relief from that kind of pressure, as we have just examined in God's Word. God wants us to place our identity in Him, and that's where that desire for love comes from. But He also created marriage to reflect Christ's love for His Church, to sanctify us, and even gives us the freedom to choose our spouse should we choose to marry. Because at the end of the day, iron sharpens iron. Even though both husband and wife are only human, God uses marriage to glorify Him, and to continuously teach us about His grace and about unconditional love and commitment. Think about it -- it takes a lot to stay committed to someone after the warm fuzzies have worn off, and when we start to realize that that fantastic person we thought could walk on water is really a riffy kind of a raff. They're prone to making all kinds of mistakes. Whether he's a Chris Hemsworth look-alike or more along the lines of Jim Belushi, he's just a man. She tends to be dramatic about the dirty socks on the floor, emotional about the way her Fat Jeans are getting tight, and exasperated that she didn't get to choose the restaurant for the tenth time in a row. He is a sinner, and so is she. Yet God works in their relationship again and again and again to polish them both, and draw them closer to Him.

Okay, okay, I get that... But why exactly is it unhealthy to dream about a "Soul mate"? Once again, Kelly Needham said it best:

"Belief in 'the one' has taken a biblical view of God’s sovereignty and distorted it, implying that there is only one other human being on the planet that we can have a fulfilling and successful marriage with. This causes us to place our hope for a successful marriage in who we marry instead of in Jesus. This unfairly puts incredible pressure on our spouse to satisfy us and brings sure disappointment when they don’t live up to our expectations...Marriage can quickly turn into a finger-pointing blame game if your basis for happiness is your perfect soulmate. Even if you are the two most compatible people on the planet, you will still have conflict because we are all sinners and self-centered by default. The ramifications of [the soulmate] outlook can be enormous. If you become unhappy in marriage, you may convince yourself you made a mistake and your spouse wasn’t actually [']the one[']. This could potentially lead you to justify divorce simply because of unhappiness. Or if you don’t divorce, you may live under a constant feeling that you have settled for something less than you deserve[,] leading to deep-rooted bitterness toward your spouse."

Ick. I don't know about you, but that makes a little too much sense to me. Needham goes on to say that the "Soul mate" concept, or as she calls it, "The One" concept, easily leads to a self-centered marital view.

"Biblically, marriage should be all about the glory of God, just as every aspect of our lives should be (see 1 Corin. 10:31). We should be striving for a partnership in marriage that is about bringing God glory and seeking Him together. But when you look to your spouse for satisfaction, meaning and worth, it immediately turns your view inward, instead of upward to Jesus. It promotes an attitude of 'what can I get' from my spouse instead of 'what can I give.' As Christians, we are called not to be served by our spouse but to serve them, just like the Jesus we follow (Matt. 20:28)."

And furthermore, it can dominate your single life prior to marriage.

"Believing there is only one human who can meet your needs can cause great anxiety and fear of missing that person or choosing the wrong person. You may be dating someone who loves Jesus, someone you could have a great marriage with, but doubt he is [']the one[']. This may cause you to be obsessed with thoughts like, 'what if there is someone better out there for me?' Or if you aren’t dating, you might be tempted to always keep your eye out for the one instead of shifting all your gaze toward Jesus, where it should be."

And above all, the best point I think she made is this:

"...[T]he greatest problem with this idea of 'the one' is that it tends to promote idolatry...Often, there is so much expectation wrapped up in the idea of meeting the perfect man or woman that you begin to look to this person above all else for fulfillment. Whether it is your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend or an imaginary future someone, looking to them for meaning more than Jesus makes them an idol. Anything you feel you need to be happy besides Jesus is an idol. Ultimately, if anyone is truly the one for us, it is Jesus. He is the only one we should look to with hope and expectation to meet our needs, satisfy our souls, and give us purpose. For all else is rubbish compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Him! (Phil 3:7-9)"

 Who knows, maybe there is something to be said about a godly couple who is even more in love 50 years into marriage than the day they were wed. Maybe we become soul mates throughout our marriage, and that's the dream that people strive for. But we shouldn't expect Year 50 Soul mate to appear on Date #1, and in that lies one of the many challenges to the "Soul mate" outlook.

So, my main advice to you is this: don't fret over the absence of a romantic "Soul mate" wandering around out in the great unknown in search of you. Take joy in the Father, who is a much better soul mate for you, and if you do long for marriage, take comfort that God's Word tells us "He knows the desires of our heart". Have patience that one day He will present an opportunity before you, where the right kind of mate may stir your soul.

Extra -- My personal story

As a child, I fell incredibly in love with fairy tales. I used to get a bucket and a rag and swipe it around the kitchen floor on my hands and knees singing "Sing Sweet Nightingale" from Cinderella in my spare time. It was an actual thing for me. I wanted to be a Princess as much as the next little girl, and I wanted everything that came along with it. You know the list: the castle, the poofy dresses, the balls, the superb singing voices, the awesome hair, the perfectly behaved woodland creatures always popping up at the most opportune times, and last but certainly not least, I wanted the handsome Prince and that "Happily Ever After" with delicate dribbles of filigree and a swelling chorale finale. I thought that life couldn't POSSIBLY get any better than all that, and I would settle for nothing less.

I got older, of course, and life started changing my ideas a little bit. But despite it all, I continued to fall more and more in love with fairy tales. In fact, one day not so long ago, my parents voiced their concern that I was not fully in touch with reality in terms of my expectations with romantic relationships.

And it got me thinking. Why did I love all those stories so much? Why were they so special to me? There was no doubt that they had a treasured place in my heart, but how could such honestly outrageous tales of pure fiction capture me so fervently?

The answer came to me rather quickly. It wasn't that I couldn't see the line between reality and fantasy; as a matter of fact, it was because I could see it, and very clearly, that made me love the fantasy side so much. You see, I'm a strange mixture of a Realist and an Idealist. I'm all about being Real in life situations, but I also can certainly visualize the Ideal without problem. So that's what fairy tales had become for me - that place where I could escape Reality when it had become too harsh and unforgiving, and I could instead focus on and enjoy the Ideal as if it were all I had. Then, when the sun set on the credits, I could appreciate the visit I had just experienced as I knowingly ventured back into Reality when the screen went black.

This may seem silly to some people, but I believe it was this realization that led me toward my next epiphany: Even though I had always been able to easily separate the fairy tales from real life, there was one thing I had always failed to separate between the two... the handsome Prince and "Happily Ever After" part.

I had always been taught that God had "The One" stashed out there in the world for me to find someday at just the right moment, and then he'd carry me off into the sunset and we'd live happily ever after!!! It would be perfect, and I would be forever in bliss.

Okay, so that's not EXACTLY how I was taught, but that's what I took away from it. I had the idea that there was only one guy out there for me, that God had hand-picked us for each other, and that we were like two pieces to a two-piece puzzle that was completely custom designed for just us two (please tell me that this sounds a little familiar). I used to literally entertain daydreams for HOURS on end just envisioning the first time we met, or how we would fall in love, wedding bells, yadda yadda. Girl stuff. The illusive "He" with a capital H would fall madly in love with me at first sight, I would make him work for it, and then he would woo me and I'd swoon and all would be right with the world. Ta-da!!! My glorious happy ending!!! My thoughts were that we wouldn't fight, there would be no tension between us like, ever, and he'd be everything I ever dreamed of. He'd think I was the bee's knees, and I would think he hung the moon. A match made in heaven! My Idealist side heard the hallelujah chorus, and my Realist side wanted to barf with shame, but that was the way of it.

Then adulthood happened. My fiance` happened. And as we started preparing for marriage together with Biblical study and prayer and in-depth discussions, I had another startling revelation: Mark, the man I was wholeheartedly in love with and ready to pledge my life to, was NOT my Prince Charming. In fact, some days he was anything BUT!

Panic set it. It really did. Will we really be able to live together??? What if we kill each other?!?! I even confided these fears to a couple of close friends of mine whose wisdom I cherished and respected very deeply. Both girls were married and had children already, so I trusted their opinions about matrimony as if they were gold. Their responses? "Umm... You know, you don't have to marry him..." Let me tell you, that is the top thing you should never say to a bride-to-be. You're not doing her any favors. I love them as if they were my sisters and was confiding in them as a friend, and I had fully expected them both to say without qualm, "Pssh! Girl, it's totally normal to feel that way. It'll pass. You just commit to press on and figure out all the hard stuff as you go! It's not a death sentence to argue and be generally pitiful sometimes." But instead I saw the looks of concern, heard the note of judgment in their tones, and seeds of doubt were planted. Oh my gosh, they think I'm sealing my fate with the Kiss of Death, I can tell!! That means their marriages are blissful and something really IS wrong with my relationship!! Omg, what should I do!? And I suddenly felt worse than ever, and like my impending marriage was doomed to fail.

But then I did some reflecting. I prayed and studied, and studied and prayed. And the more I turned to Scripture, the more I started to see the whole situation clearly. Those girls were guilty of the same crime that I was guilty of. It wasn't that Mark wasn't marriage material; it wasn't that he was wrong for me and somebody else was right; it was that we were trying to put him into a box, a box that no man should ever be asked to cram himself into: the Prince Charming box. I was suddenly weighed down by the danger of what I had been doing to our relationship for months and months, and what notion that my friends had unwittingly perpetuated. I was comparing my husband to theirs. I compared our relationships. I was micro-managing. I was nit-picking. I was keeping tally of all the ways Mark didn't fit into the Prince Charming box and holding them against him. I was, ultimately, building a wall between us. And what I hadn't been doing was evaluating all the ways that I didn't fit into the Cinderella box. In fact, I hadn't thought for one single second that maybe I wasn't measuring up to Princessy standards.

I came to realize that I am flawed. I came to realize that Mark is flawed. We are two flawed puzzle pieces that don't naturally fit together no matter how you turn them this way and that. We aren't the perfect people that we conjured each other up to be in our minds all those years prior to meeting. I realized that my Prince Charming DOESN'T EXIST! He's just another part of that fairy tale realm that can't cross over into the real world. But did that mean that Mark wasn't good enough for me to marry? Did that mean that I would be settling? Uh, no. It meant that I could reestablish some standards for myself. It meant I could finally stop trying to turn him into somebody he wasn't, and start loving him for who he is. It meant that I could finally stop stressing that I was "marrying the wrong guy", and start preparing my heart to be the right kind of woman.

Because that's what I think this whole Prince Charming and Cinderella, or "soul mate" thing is about -- Our relationship isn't a perfectly designed puzzle of two pieces, but of three. That third component is what makes all the difference in a marriage. God is the center, and he joins two mismatched pieces into a beautifully compatible design. It's not the person exactly that has to be "the one", but the kind of person. For example, I need a God-fearing man who is grounded in his faith, loyal with his love, and committed with his life.

That's why we shouldn't compare our relationships on every facet; because we are all different as individual human beings, therefore our struggles are different, and our strengths are different. God is not confined to the sin nature in which we suffer, and He can do marvelous things beyond our comprehension, such as work in a marriage that isn't much for cosmetics. Sin is sin is sin, and even a marriage with a picture-perfect implication is definitely not without its blemishes. But still the union is holy in the eyes of our Maker. He is mighty and powerful, and He loves us beyond measure. He is our perfect soul mate, and there is no box that can contain Him.


Thanks for reading this long and very vulnerable post! I hope you enjoyed it. <3

-Amber

Sources:

http://blog.dictionary.com/soul-mate/
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/soul%20mate
http://kellyneedham.com/2012/10/07/the-myth-of-the-one/
http://www.onenesspentecostal.com/divinematch.htm
http://www.prodigalmagazine.com/sacred-search/